cheating verb \ˈchēt\transitive verb1: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud2: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice3: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting (cheat death)
intransitive verb1a : to practice fraud or trickery b : to violate rules dishonestly (cheat at cards) (cheating on a test)2: to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on cheating on his wife)— cheat·er noun3: to position oneself defensively near a particular area in anticipation of a play in that area cheating toward second base>
yeah, so what? go ahead and reread the third definition in second part, the last one. okay, so that kind of cheating has been an issue i'd get used to. it's not like i agree with cheating, i totally against it.
i've been hurt by it, i've been torn by it, i've been half-alive by it. the worst thing was, sorry, is i had to act like i never feel it. and the funny part is i can do it well, act like it's nothing. pretend that it happened to someone else but me, pretend..pretend..even i, who had been taught to be honest can be a good liar (considering my 'glass face', it's really an achievement).
i try to forget it, but it left me a big bold scar deep inside my heart. sometimes, when i let my mind travels away, i feel the aching sensation and suddenly i want to cry.
yet, i won't deny that i ever tried to cheat and that it was...adventurous. but like all bad things, the damn good sensation never last long. and so it was. i won't try to rewrite my history, but i promise not to do it again. because, in the end, it hurt anyone, included me, the cheater. no matter how much i make excuses (like, i wasn't in so-called-relationship), i always know that i meant it.
recently (remember when i wrote that i had so much in my mind?), i've been..forced to involve in this fishy issue. i'm not going to tell the story here, privacy matters (yes, i crossed the line while i tried to save myself, but that's..so stupid of me and i've apologized to person connected to it). let's say i'm a cameo there, walking away and got captured to complete the story. of course, i didn't like it, i asked my friend for an advice and end up being the 'bad person'. geez..i wish i were more clever so i could just shut my mouth. but, in the other hand, i know that if i placed in the same condition again, i will just do the same (using a more proper way of telling of course). i hate watching someone get cheated by someone's important for him/her and i hate if knowing that i'm one of the 'object' (victim of trial, whatever you call it).
a reminder, wasn't it?
a true reminder stroke me just now.
it tells me not to re-believe, to remember the pain tattooed in my heart.
tells me not to hope too high that someday i can let go the mask and being real me, without getting afraid people know that i hide something.
who says i made my own tragedy?
who says i pull myself into sadness for my own satisfaction?
it's not a choice.
you try, if you dare being me.
lauretta.
"to position oneself defensively near a particular area in anticipation of a play in that area "
ReplyDeleteah, that's not exactly cheating. it's strategic planning :)
if after the whole time you've been wearing masks for so long, and you hoped to be the real you and expect people to be unaware that you were hiding something... yes, that is too high for a hope. unrealistic and destructive. because you know that it's not going to happen -not a way in hell- and yet you'll keep yearning for it and in the end be disappointed.
and you know, that's the irony of life: you actually had to choose to live life without choices. like it or not, circumstances are not the only one at fault here.
isn't it about time for you to stop thinking unrealistically (you can't expect other people to be you because they all had their own life and problems to deal with), stop blaming circumstances, and start to grow up?
oh btw, do you notice that your grammar is rather worse when you're getting emotional? :D
-atrocious-
thanks for leaving a comment (again). i appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteand sorry for my bad grammar, i'm still learning to use it well.
i think i have to make it clear: i'm not blaming the circumstances.
i wonder if you understood what i was talking about? it sounds like you didn't understand it well.
please don't judge.
sorry for being rude.
i wrote this down partly for myself, so it's not your fault if you misunderstood it. i had to cut it here and there because it's not only about me.
sorry for judging. it's an old habit that I need to control, and most people tend to judge things easily because judging simplifies the problem. if not making more problems in the end, that is..
ReplyDeletemaybe I misunderstood the story due to the ambivalency of meaning behind your sentences. oh, and it would be easier to understood with proper grammar :D
but then again, it's a personal blog, so you can do as you wish - and you have the right to be rude since I made myself look like an intruder :D
well, sorry for being yet an intruder, I think you should know that this part:
"who says i made my own tragedy?
who says i pull myself into sadness for my own satisfaction?
it's not a choice."
implies that you refuse the responsibility of making your life harder, because either you choose to not to pick any options, or simply rationalize your mistakes because you have no choice. and what is that if it's not blaming the circumstances?
and the negativity of the implied meaning is escalated even further by the final, unrealistically fatalistic challenge statement: "you try, if you dare being me."
and somehow I get the feeling that you still feel bad for yourself after all the "cheating" and being the "bad person" even though you've already said sorry to those involved?
if you can still feel bad then there's still some good left in you :D
and btw, what happened to the mural on your wall? can't wait to see the finished masterpiece :D
-atrocious-