i just added my chinese name on my fb profile. and that was because i can't type down chinese character from my laptop nor my phone, so i asked pa to send my name in my inbox then copied it.
i hadn't got a chance, for 20 years of my life, to really search for my chinese name meaning. from what i had heard, mine was derived from a king's favorite, a very beautiful woman. my grandpa gave it to me because pa couldn't stop saying that i was really cute whenever someone asked him about his baby girl. but, what made me curious was the fact that i hardly found out about her. i mean, i read a lot of chinese legend books, chinese culinary history books, and when i went to china for trip..she also didn't included in 7 most beautiful women in china history.
and then this evening i copied the chinese character and found a link from wikipedia. guess what? i found out something..weird. i was my grandpa's favorite granddaughter after all and from all name in the world, he chose that name. there i stared and read all those things written in wikipedia about the devilish (if she wasn't the devil itself) lovely lady. she was king's favorite concubine ( not a princess, not a queen. but that's not the shocking part, my ma already felt discomfort a bit because she heard the fact when i was a baby, but it was too late) and it's said that she was the reason behind the shang dinasty downfall. other quick fact: she loves to see other people suffering (well, actually i'm simplified the horror whole stories, so if you have a chance or you really want to know, just copy and paste my chinese name, i haven't erased it on my profile).
for me, it didn't make me sad, i just felt the disappointment. not more than that. i mean, i believe my grandpa give it for a reason and that nothing in this world named coincidence. somehow, i felt that finally i found out the dark side of my name, the one that is contradictory to my legal name that's really angelic (sometimes, i feel it's too angelic it doesn't suit me or i actually don't deserve it).
the reactions from my parents were so different from me. my ma, after reading the full article, forbid me to post its link or write about this (i do it anyway, sorry ma), or tell others. and then she told pa, and then pa read the full article..the same reaction was repeated again. pa, neglecting the fact that i had had that name from 'my cuteness' when i was baby, started to questioning whether my grandpa hadn't mistakenly given me the misspelled last character, because pa told us he ever knew a chinese poet with same pronunciation as my name with different spelling.
i don't know if it's going to happen or not..but they had short discussion to change my last character in my chinese name..javanese people may call it 'ruwatan', to change your name so you can get better fate. lol.
i get a little sad thinking about that, since i've learned so hard to, at least, can write down my own chinese name. it was that hard..pa had forced me to repeat it again and again, long before i learned super basic chinese in my high school time. i scribbled those 3 characters all over my books, papers, photos, everywhere..that name has been a part of my history of life.
ah, i must get back to my discussion note again.
so, see you soon?
P.S: 6 days until our farewell.
lauretta.
