cheating verb \ˈchēt\transitive verb1: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud2: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice3: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting (cheat death)
intransitive verb1a : to practice fraud or trickery b : to violate rules dishonestly (cheat at cards) (cheating on a test)2: to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on cheating on his wife)— cheat·er noun3: to position oneself defensively near a particular area in anticipation of a play in that area cheating toward second base>
yeah, so what? go ahead and reread the third definition in second part, the last one. okay, so that kind of cheating has been an issue i'd get used to. it's not like i agree with cheating, i totally against it.
i've been hurt by it, i've been torn by it, i've been half-alive by it. the worst thing was, sorry, is i had to act like i never feel it. and the funny part is i can do it well, act like it's nothing. pretend that it happened to someone else but me, pretend..pretend..even i, who had been taught to be honest can be a good liar (considering my 'glass face', it's really an achievement).
i try to forget it, but it left me a big bold scar deep inside my heart. sometimes, when i let my mind travels away, i feel the aching sensation and suddenly i want to cry.
yet, i won't deny that i ever tried to cheat and that it was...adventurous. but like all bad things, the damn good sensation never last long. and so it was. i won't try to rewrite my history, but i promise not to do it again. because, in the end, it hurt anyone, included me, the cheater. no matter how much i make excuses (like, i wasn't in so-called-relationship), i always know that i meant it.
recently (remember when i wrote that i had so much in my mind?), i've been..forced to involve in this fishy issue. i'm not going to tell the story here, privacy matters (yes, i crossed the line while i tried to save myself, but that's..so stupid of me and i've apologized to person connected to it). let's say i'm a cameo there, walking away and got captured to complete the story. of course, i didn't like it, i asked my friend for an advice and end up being the 'bad person'. geez..i wish i were more clever so i could just shut my mouth. but, in the other hand, i know that if i placed in the same condition again, i will just do the same (using a more proper way of telling of course). i hate watching someone get cheated by someone's important for him/her and i hate if knowing that i'm one of the 'object' (victim of trial, whatever you call it).
a reminder, wasn't it?
a true reminder stroke me just now.
it tells me not to re-believe, to remember the pain tattooed in my heart.
tells me not to hope too high that someday i can let go the mask and being real me, without getting afraid people know that i hide something.
who says i made my own tragedy?
who says i pull myself into sadness for my own satisfaction?
it's not a choice.
you try, if you dare being me.
lauretta.
