i just added my chinese name on my fb profile. and that was because i can't type down chinese character from my laptop nor my phone, so i asked pa to send my name in my inbox then copied it.
i hadn't got a chance, for 20 years of my life, to really search for my chinese name meaning. from what i had heard, mine was derived from a king's favorite, a very beautiful woman. my grandpa gave it to me because pa couldn't stop saying that i was really cute whenever someone asked him about his baby girl. but, what made me curious was the fact that i hardly found out about her. i mean, i read a lot of chinese legend books, chinese culinary history books, and when i went to china for trip..she also didn't included in 7 most beautiful women in china history.
and then this evening i copied the chinese character and found a link from wikipedia. guess what? i found out something..weird. i was my grandpa's favorite granddaughter after all and from all name in the world, he chose that name. there i stared and read all those things written in wikipedia about the devilish (if she wasn't the devil itself) lovely lady. she was king's favorite concubine ( not a princess, not a queen. but that's not the shocking part, my ma already felt discomfort a bit because she heard the fact when i was a baby, but it was too late) and it's said that she was the reason behind the shang dinasty downfall. other quick fact: she loves to see other people suffering (well, actually i'm simplified the horror whole stories, so if you have a chance or you really want to know, just copy and paste my chinese name, i haven't erased it on my profile).
for me, it didn't make me sad, i just felt the disappointment. not more than that. i mean, i believe my grandpa give it for a reason and that nothing in this world named coincidence. somehow, i felt that finally i found out the dark side of my name, the one that is contradictory to my legal name that's really angelic (sometimes, i feel it's too angelic it doesn't suit me or i actually don't deserve it).
the reactions from my parents were so different from me. my ma, after reading the full article, forbid me to post its link or write about this (i do it anyway, sorry ma), or tell others. and then she told pa, and then pa read the full article..the same reaction was repeated again. pa, neglecting the fact that i had had that name from 'my cuteness' when i was baby, started to questioning whether my grandpa hadn't mistakenly given me the misspelled last character, because pa told us he ever knew a chinese poet with same pronunciation as my name with different spelling.
i don't know if it's going to happen or not..but they had short discussion to change my last character in my chinese name..javanese people may call it 'ruwatan', to change your name so you can get better fate. lol.
i get a little sad thinking about that, since i've learned so hard to, at least, can write down my own chinese name. it was that hard..pa had forced me to repeat it again and again, long before i learned super basic chinese in my high school time. i scribbled those 3 characters all over my books, papers, photos, everywhere..that name has been a part of my history of life.
ah, i must get back to my discussion note again.
so, see you soon?
P.S: 6 days until our farewell.
lauretta.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
update on the trio!
sorry, got to go so soon..it's after committee party at lesehan gurame, farrell's mom resto, with ECDYSIS committee~write soon, okay.
lauretta.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
pictures edition
i took pics around me recently, think i'm gonna share them in this post. enjoy!
sushi tei dessert! taken on sunday lunch with parents.
white water lily at carina sayang I public pool. taken yesterday.
magenta water lily, full bloom, in front of someone's house at carina sayang I. taken yesterday.
messy room caused by hectic studying last night- this morning for mid test.
afian's teddy phone chain, kristi's valentine present.
afian hand. read what's written there. the pic describes itself.
my lacerated foot.
close-up crown part of my wall drawing.
i'm done with this one, already lost my passion in this pic.
started to draw new pics on other part.
not done yet. ^^
messy room caused by hectic studying last night- this morning for mid test.
afian's teddy phone chain, kristi's valentine present.
afian hand. read what's written there. the pic describes itself.
my lacerated foot.
close-up crown part of my wall drawing.
i'm done with this one, already lost my passion in this pic.
started to draw new pics on other part.
not done yet. ^^
other posting to come soon.
lauretta.
Monday, February 21, 2011
michael
hey, michael.
it's been a long time since the last time i heard from you.
it's been a long time since we met your mother.
since she asked what happened?
and it feels like thousand years, we've been too far.
why.
it was like..one day we are brother and sister.
kept each other.
share stories, grew up together.
and then the next day we became strangers
we used to text with our way, with too shortened words.
no need to worry, we already understood.
now, you write complete word, a short line.
now i write polite reply, a simple answer.
everything has changed.
the bond.
the happy times.
the affection we once shared together.
they said they couldn't imagine
a relationship like us,
they got jealous,
one time because you were too close to me,
the other time because i was always with you.
it was funny.
i had never imagined that someday something would tear us apart.
i thought we would be together, come to each other wedding party, keep our friendship until we close our eyes forever.
if i meet you again, will it be the same?
i'm so afraid
we lost almost 3 years
you've grown up so fast
heard the story, they said you had lots of achievements
i'm proud of you, really.
you're no longer need me beside you
no one will scold you for doing something bad
no one will try to give you 'silly motherly advices'
no one will help you eat your extra lunch when you can't eat all of it
no one will accompany and being accompanied for hours by phone until your mother cut the wire(lol, that's unforgettable, really)
because you already a man.
hey michael, i'll be forever praying for you.
i will never stop being your sister at heart.
lauretta.
it's been a long time since the last time i heard from you.
it's been a long time since we met your mother.
since she asked what happened?
and it feels like thousand years, we've been too far.
why.
it was like..one day we are brother and sister.
kept each other.
share stories, grew up together.
and then the next day we became strangers
we used to text with our way, with too shortened words.
no need to worry, we already understood.
now, you write complete word, a short line.
now i write polite reply, a simple answer.
everything has changed.
the bond.
the happy times.
the affection we once shared together.
they said they couldn't imagine
a relationship like us,
they got jealous,
one time because you were too close to me,
the other time because i was always with you.
it was funny.
i had never imagined that someday something would tear us apart.
i thought we would be together, come to each other wedding party, keep our friendship until we close our eyes forever.
if i meet you again, will it be the same?
i'm so afraid
we lost almost 3 years
you've grown up so fast
heard the story, they said you had lots of achievements
i'm proud of you, really.
you're no longer need me beside you
no one will scold you for doing something bad
no one will try to give you 'silly motherly advices'
no one will help you eat your extra lunch when you can't eat all of it
no one will accompany and being accompanied for hours by phone until your mother cut the wire(lol, that's unforgettable, really)
because you already a man.
hey michael, i'll be forever praying for you.
i will never stop being your sister at heart.
lauretta.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
cheating
i believe all of us have been cheating once in a while, or have been trying to, or have involved in one. the description below i got from merriam-webster:
yeah, so what? go ahead and reread the third definition in second part, the last one. okay, so that kind of cheating has been an issue i'd get used to. it's not like i agree with cheating, i totally against it.
i've been hurt by it, i've been torn by it, i've been half-alive by it. the worst thing was, sorry, is i had to act like i never feel it. and the funny part is i can do it well, act like it's nothing. pretend that it happened to someone else but me, pretend..pretend..even i, who had been taught to be honest can be a good liar (considering my 'glass face', it's really an achievement).
i try to forget it, but it left me a big bold scar deep inside my heart. sometimes, when i let my mind travels away, i feel the aching sensation and suddenly i want to cry.
yet, i won't deny that i ever tried to cheat and that it was...adventurous. but like all bad things, the damn good sensation never last long. and so it was. i won't try to rewrite my history, but i promise not to do it again. because, in the end, it hurt anyone, included me, the cheater. no matter how much i make excuses (like, i wasn't in so-called-relationship), i always know that i meant it.
recently (remember when i wrote that i had so much in my mind?), i've been..forced to involve in this fishy issue. i'm not going to tell the story here, privacy matters (yes, i crossed the line while i tried to save myself, but that's..so stupid of me and i've apologized to person connected to it). let's say i'm a cameo there, walking away and got captured to complete the story. of course, i didn't like it, i asked my friend for an advice and end up being the 'bad person'. geez..i wish i were more clever so i could just shut my mouth. but, in the other hand, i know that if i placed in the same condition again, i will just do the same (using a more proper way of telling of course). i hate watching someone get cheated by someone's important for him/her and i hate if knowing that i'm one of the 'object' (victim of trial, whatever you call it).
a reminder, wasn't it?
a true reminder stroke me just now.
it tells me not to re-believe, to remember the pain tattooed in my heart.
tells me not to hope too high that someday i can let go the mask and being real me, without getting afraid people know that i hide something.
who says i made my own tragedy?
who says i pull myself into sadness for my own satisfaction?
it's not a choice.
you try, if you dare being me.
lauretta.
cheating verb \ˈchēt\transitive verb1: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud2: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice3: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting (cheat death)
intransitive verb1a : to practice fraud or trickery b : to violate rules dishonestly (cheat at cards) (cheating on a test)2: to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on cheating on his wife)— cheat·er noun3: to position oneself defensively near a particular area in anticipation of a play in that area cheating toward second base>
yeah, so what? go ahead and reread the third definition in second part, the last one. okay, so that kind of cheating has been an issue i'd get used to. it's not like i agree with cheating, i totally against it.
i've been hurt by it, i've been torn by it, i've been half-alive by it. the worst thing was, sorry, is i had to act like i never feel it. and the funny part is i can do it well, act like it's nothing. pretend that it happened to someone else but me, pretend..pretend..even i, who had been taught to be honest can be a good liar (considering my 'glass face', it's really an achievement).
i try to forget it, but it left me a big bold scar deep inside my heart. sometimes, when i let my mind travels away, i feel the aching sensation and suddenly i want to cry.
yet, i won't deny that i ever tried to cheat and that it was...adventurous. but like all bad things, the damn good sensation never last long. and so it was. i won't try to rewrite my history, but i promise not to do it again. because, in the end, it hurt anyone, included me, the cheater. no matter how much i make excuses (like, i wasn't in so-called-relationship), i always know that i meant it.
recently (remember when i wrote that i had so much in my mind?), i've been..forced to involve in this fishy issue. i'm not going to tell the story here, privacy matters (yes, i crossed the line while i tried to save myself, but that's..so stupid of me and i've apologized to person connected to it). let's say i'm a cameo there, walking away and got captured to complete the story. of course, i didn't like it, i asked my friend for an advice and end up being the 'bad person'. geez..i wish i were more clever so i could just shut my mouth. but, in the other hand, i know that if i placed in the same condition again, i will just do the same (using a more proper way of telling of course). i hate watching someone get cheated by someone's important for him/her and i hate if knowing that i'm one of the 'object' (victim of trial, whatever you call it).
a reminder, wasn't it?
a true reminder stroke me just now.
it tells me not to re-believe, to remember the pain tattooed in my heart.
tells me not to hope too high that someday i can let go the mask and being real me, without getting afraid people know that i hide something.
who says i made my own tragedy?
who says i pull myself into sadness for my own satisfaction?
it's not a choice.
you try, if you dare being me.
lauretta.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
home wi-fi is awesome!
hello, it's already february 19th..geez..i accompany, oops, no, i stay up and study while pa's trying to install the new antivirus in my laptop. i'm so sleepy! i write this via my handphone, just so you know, the new wi-fi in my house is really something! and i just watched video on youtube by phone for the first time since i owned it. ah, will catch up with some stories later, i'm not alert enough to write properly. okay, goodnite!
lauretta.
lauretta.
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