michael

hey, michael.
it's been a long time since the last time i heard from you.
it's been a long time since we met your mother.
since she asked what happened?
and it feels like thousand years, we've been too far.

why.
it was like..one day we are brother and sister.
kept each other.
share stories, grew up together.
and then the next day we became strangers

we used to text with our way, with too shortened words.
no need to worry, we already understood.

now, you write complete word, a short line.
now i write polite reply, a simple answer.

everything has changed.
the bond.
the happy times.
the affection we once shared together.

they said they couldn't imagine
a relationship like us,
they got jealous,
one time because you were too close to me,
the other time because i was always with you.

it was funny.

i had never imagined that someday something would tear us apart.
i thought we would be together, come to each other wedding party, keep our friendship until we close our eyes forever.

if i meet you again, will it be the same?
i'm so afraid
we lost almost 3 years
you've grown up so fast
heard the story, they said you had lots of achievements
i'm proud of you, really.

you're no longer need me beside you
no one will scold you for doing something bad
no one will try to give you 'silly motherly advices'
no one will help you eat your extra lunch when you can't eat all of it
no one will accompany and being accompanied for hours by phone until your mother cut the wire(lol, that's unforgettable, really)
because you already a man.

hey michael, i'll be forever praying for you.
i will never stop being your sister at heart.

lauretta.

cheating

i believe all of us have been cheating once in a while, or have been trying to, or have involved in one. the description below i got from merriam-webster:

cheating verb \ˈchēt\

transitive verb

1

: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud

2

: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice

3

: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting (cheat death)

intransitive verb

1

a : to practice fraud or trickery b : to violate rules dishonestly (cheat at cards) (cheating on a test)

2

: to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on cheating on his wife)

3

: to position oneself defensively near a particular area in anticipation of a play in that area cheating toward second base>

— cheat·er noun

yeah, so what? go ahead and reread the third definition in second part, the last one. okay, so that kind of cheating has been an issue i'd get used to. it's not like i agree with cheating, i totally against it.

i've been hurt by it, i've been torn by it, i've been half-alive by it. the worst thing was, sorry, is i had to act like i never feel it. and the funny part is i can do it well, act like it's nothing. pretend that it happened to someone else but me, pretend..pretend..even i, who had been taught to be honest can be a good liar (considering my 'glass face', it's really an achievement).

i try to forget it, but it left me a big bold scar deep inside my heart. sometimes, when i let my mind travels away, i feel the aching sensation and suddenly i want to cry.

yet, i won't deny that i ever tried to cheat and that it was...adventurous. but like all bad things, the damn good sensation never last long. and so it was. i won't try to rewrite my history, but i promise not to do it again. because, in the end, it hurt anyone, included me, the cheater. no matter how much i make excuses (like, i wasn't in so-called-relationship), i always know that i meant it.

recently (remember when i wrote that i had so much in my mind?), i've been..forced to involve in this fishy issue. i'm not going to tell the story here, privacy matters (yes, i crossed the line while i tried to save myself, but that's..so stupid of me and i've apologized to person connected to it). let's say i'm a cameo there, walking away and got captured to complete the story. of course, i didn't like it, i asked my friend for an advice and end up being the 'bad person'. geez..i wish i were more clever so i could just shut my mouth. but, in the other hand, i know that if i placed in the same condition again, i will just do the same (using a more proper way of telling of course). i hate watching someone get cheated by someone's important for him/her and i hate if knowing that i'm one of the 'object' (victim of trial, whatever you call it).

a reminder, wasn't it?

a true reminder stroke me just now.
it tells me not to re-believe, to remember the pain tattooed in my heart.
tells me not to hope too high that someday i can let go the mask and being real me, without getting afraid people know that i hide something.

who says i made my own tragedy?
who says i pull myself into sadness for my own satisfaction?
it's not a choice.
you try, if you dare being me.


lauretta.

home wi-fi is awesome!

hello, it's already february 19th..geez..i accompany, oops, no, i stay up and study while pa's trying to install the new antivirus in my laptop. i'm so sleepy! i write this via my handphone, just so you know, the new wi-fi in my house is really something! and i just watched video on youtube by phone for the first time since i owned it. ah, will catch up with some stories later, i'm not alert enough to write properly. okay, goodnite!

lauretta.

a little addition

i just had a little time to visit my rent room because i decided to go back to my home. i didn't take the drawing progress, sorry..i only added a little, the filling for the 'crown part'. the pic above is the wall behind my bed. i couldn't wait to write it down. it's a quotation from my favorite anime, Evangelion.

this is the actual screen shot i took from someone's blog. i already forgot, but they said it was said by one of the character named ikari yui, the main character's lost mother.


may this be the remainder, so i can always smile at the storm and fight with all i have.


lauretta.

P.S: i'll write more soon..i..currently having a problem. it's actually not my problem, but it became my problem too. well, soon okay..

14.02.2011

ouch, again, i skipped a day..i thought i would post my update yesterday, but somehow i managed to sleep like a bear. forgot about anything and keep on zzzz~

well, yesterday was a tough day for me. on 13th, i didn't get enough sleep and i stayed awake until about 4 in the morning (the 14th) just to wake up on 6 o'clock. eww..and my mood had gone down like crazy. plus..the discussion lecture was soo annoying, just like the first meeting!! idk what made her really love to criticize us, eventough we already discussed the right things and covered the goals? hm..hm..maybe she just got the same bad mood like me toward the 14th? lol.

yesterday was a day like hell..i'd expected the flowery and chocolate views everywhere, but then i think i wasn't that ready to face them. all the 'awwwww...this is a chocolate for youuu! happy valentine's day!' and the written messages all over my homepage in fb like, 'happy valentine's day..may all..*blahblahblah*' honestly, i thought i suffered what the textbook from psychiatric module talk about: the feeling of doom. no, i'm not exaggerating..it was that bad. i walked in my campus at half past eight and i ran into discussion room ( nobody has come yet, but my room already lighted), opened my obstetric book, and started reading. after the discussion had ended, i went to class room and i felt like i wanted to run away. it was unbearable. GOD knows i feel really sorry right now since i did rude thing to one of my friend who tried to give me his hand and said 'happy valentine'. i looked at him and said, 'sorry, i don't celebrate it'.

maybe it's just me who didn't feel the spirit of valentine's day..because my friends seemed so excited about it. my friend, reza, baked banana muffins yesterday, idk if it was because valentine's or not, since he loves baking cake and stuffs. and because it's me, i wouldn't say no to be a tester even in my bad mood. hahaha..XD

here's the pic (when i wanted to take a pic, i'd just realized that i hadn't put back the memory card to my digicam, so i made it with my phone). a bit of bitter taste when i first bit it, he said maybe it's because the crumbles were overdone..but i thought the crumbles actually taste good and it's clever to put pie crust as crumbles. overall, i prefer his apple pie. hahaha..he can make a tasty one. come to think of it, i have lots of friends, which are boys, who can cook well. why can't i? hmm..

the funny sight yesterday was afian gesture when he was going to give me choco chip cookies! such a rare thing. being his close friend for about 2.5 years always make me feel surprise and laugh a lot from time to time. he's so innocent, like a sweet little boy! nicho also gave me choco candy. the most adorable gift came from kristi, it's a personalized package contains of fluffy bunny head key chain, marshmallows, choco candies, and 2 letters. it's just like her.


envy me, i have great people around me (but i'm bad one). =D

getting old(er) is a bad thing, i feel like getting tired easier. still can't imagine i was taking a nap, overtime until i woke up again around 1 in the morning...aaaw..and i still had short naps after that. 3 to 4, 7 to 9, and the last one was 12 to 1 at noon. bad news is, i feel like sleeping again right now..>___<

lauretta.

just a pic that suits my mood today

it feels high, it feels lonely

hey people
why do you look so happy?
you're having a feast i see
dance, shout, laugh a lot
happy face, happy mask blend it hot
doesn't it feel so right?
because this is the night

ecstatic, orgasmic, just name it
romantic, fantastic, just say it
please go ahead
before i wither
while my heart still flutter
it's a sensation i've been dreaming of
just go ahead and strip me
find my heart strings
and rip me
pull, pull, pull it through
like crazy like one
like no one has done

lauretta.