cheating

i believe all of us have been cheating once in a while, or have been trying to, or have involved in one. the description below i got from merriam-webster:

cheating verb \ˈchēt\

transitive verb

1

: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud

2

: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice

3

: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting (cheat death)

intransitive verb

1

a : to practice fraud or trickery b : to violate rules dishonestly (cheat at cards) (cheating on a test)

2

: to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on cheating on his wife)

3

: to position oneself defensively near a particular area in anticipation of a play in that area cheating toward second base>

— cheat·er noun

yeah, so what? go ahead and reread the third definition in second part, the last one. okay, so that kind of cheating has been an issue i'd get used to. it's not like i agree with cheating, i totally against it.

i've been hurt by it, i've been torn by it, i've been half-alive by it. the worst thing was, sorry, is i had to act like i never feel it. and the funny part is i can do it well, act like it's nothing. pretend that it happened to someone else but me, pretend..pretend..even i, who had been taught to be honest can be a good liar (considering my 'glass face', it's really an achievement).

i try to forget it, but it left me a big bold scar deep inside my heart. sometimes, when i let my mind travels away, i feel the aching sensation and suddenly i want to cry.

yet, i won't deny that i ever tried to cheat and that it was...adventurous. but like all bad things, the damn good sensation never last long. and so it was. i won't try to rewrite my history, but i promise not to do it again. because, in the end, it hurt anyone, included me, the cheater. no matter how much i make excuses (like, i wasn't in so-called-relationship), i always know that i meant it.

recently (remember when i wrote that i had so much in my mind?), i've been..forced to involve in this fishy issue. i'm not going to tell the story here, privacy matters (yes, i crossed the line while i tried to save myself, but that's..so stupid of me and i've apologized to person connected to it). let's say i'm a cameo there, walking away and got captured to complete the story. of course, i didn't like it, i asked my friend for an advice and end up being the 'bad person'. geez..i wish i were more clever so i could just shut my mouth. but, in the other hand, i know that if i placed in the same condition again, i will just do the same (using a more proper way of telling of course). i hate watching someone get cheated by someone's important for him/her and i hate if knowing that i'm one of the 'object' (victim of trial, whatever you call it).

a reminder, wasn't it?

a true reminder stroke me just now.
it tells me not to re-believe, to remember the pain tattooed in my heart.
tells me not to hope too high that someday i can let go the mask and being real me, without getting afraid people know that i hide something.

who says i made my own tragedy?
who says i pull myself into sadness for my own satisfaction?
it's not a choice.
you try, if you dare being me.


lauretta.

home wi-fi is awesome!

hello, it's already february 19th..geez..i accompany, oops, no, i stay up and study while pa's trying to install the new antivirus in my laptop. i'm so sleepy! i write this via my handphone, just so you know, the new wi-fi in my house is really something! and i just watched video on youtube by phone for the first time since i owned it. ah, will catch up with some stories later, i'm not alert enough to write properly. okay, goodnite!

lauretta.

a little addition

i just had a little time to visit my rent room because i decided to go back to my home. i didn't take the drawing progress, sorry..i only added a little, the filling for the 'crown part'. the pic above is the wall behind my bed. i couldn't wait to write it down. it's a quotation from my favorite anime, Evangelion.

this is the actual screen shot i took from someone's blog. i already forgot, but they said it was said by one of the character named ikari yui, the main character's lost mother.


may this be the remainder, so i can always smile at the storm and fight with all i have.


lauretta.

P.S: i'll write more soon..i..currently having a problem. it's actually not my problem, but it became my problem too. well, soon okay..

14.02.2011

ouch, again, i skipped a day..i thought i would post my update yesterday, but somehow i managed to sleep like a bear. forgot about anything and keep on zzzz~

well, yesterday was a tough day for me. on 13th, i didn't get enough sleep and i stayed awake until about 4 in the morning (the 14th) just to wake up on 6 o'clock. eww..and my mood had gone down like crazy. plus..the discussion lecture was soo annoying, just like the first meeting!! idk what made her really love to criticize us, eventough we already discussed the right things and covered the goals? hm..hm..maybe she just got the same bad mood like me toward the 14th? lol.

yesterday was a day like hell..i'd expected the flowery and chocolate views everywhere, but then i think i wasn't that ready to face them. all the 'awwwww...this is a chocolate for youuu! happy valentine's day!' and the written messages all over my homepage in fb like, 'happy valentine's day..may all..*blahblahblah*' honestly, i thought i suffered what the textbook from psychiatric module talk about: the feeling of doom. no, i'm not exaggerating..it was that bad. i walked in my campus at half past eight and i ran into discussion room ( nobody has come yet, but my room already lighted), opened my obstetric book, and started reading. after the discussion had ended, i went to class room and i felt like i wanted to run away. it was unbearable. GOD knows i feel really sorry right now since i did rude thing to one of my friend who tried to give me his hand and said 'happy valentine'. i looked at him and said, 'sorry, i don't celebrate it'.

maybe it's just me who didn't feel the spirit of valentine's day..because my friends seemed so excited about it. my friend, reza, baked banana muffins yesterday, idk if it was because valentine's or not, since he loves baking cake and stuffs. and because it's me, i wouldn't say no to be a tester even in my bad mood. hahaha..XD

here's the pic (when i wanted to take a pic, i'd just realized that i hadn't put back the memory card to my digicam, so i made it with my phone). a bit of bitter taste when i first bit it, he said maybe it's because the crumbles were overdone..but i thought the crumbles actually taste good and it's clever to put pie crust as crumbles. overall, i prefer his apple pie. hahaha..he can make a tasty one. come to think of it, i have lots of friends, which are boys, who can cook well. why can't i? hmm..

the funny sight yesterday was afian gesture when he was going to give me choco chip cookies! such a rare thing. being his close friend for about 2.5 years always make me feel surprise and laugh a lot from time to time. he's so innocent, like a sweet little boy! nicho also gave me choco candy. the most adorable gift came from kristi, it's a personalized package contains of fluffy bunny head key chain, marshmallows, choco candies, and 2 letters. it's just like her.


envy me, i have great people around me (but i'm bad one). =D

getting old(er) is a bad thing, i feel like getting tired easier. still can't imagine i was taking a nap, overtime until i woke up again around 1 in the morning...aaaw..and i still had short naps after that. 3 to 4, 7 to 9, and the last one was 12 to 1 at noon. bad news is, i feel like sleeping again right now..>___<

lauretta.

just a pic that suits my mood today

it feels high, it feels lonely

hey people
why do you look so happy?
you're having a feast i see
dance, shout, laugh a lot
happy face, happy mask blend it hot
doesn't it feel so right?
because this is the night

ecstatic, orgasmic, just name it
romantic, fantastic, just say it
please go ahead
before i wither
while my heart still flutter
it's a sensation i've been dreaming of
just go ahead and strip me
find my heart strings
and rip me
pull, pull, pull it through
like crazy like one
like no one has done

lauretta.

look at me

look at me, see the real me, say that i'm different, say that i am special.


those phrases keep looping in my mind since..i can't remember since when. it's been too long.
when i was admitted to playgroup, i entered the 1 year-older's because i was too obsessed with the idea of 'going to school' when my age hadn't enough yet. there, i have a friend..he is my 'first silly love', you know, person whom you shared a moment of 'he is my husband/ she is my wife' when you were a kid. he is my ma's friend's son and i often spent times with him playing at my home. i demanded the same attention from him when we went to school and kept asking him to play with me. but his friend didn't like me, so his friend and i often involved in fight.

when i entered kindergarten, i want the teachers to notice me. it's not like i wasn't noticeable or too gloomy to be seen, but i want to be teacher's pet, unfortunately no matter how hard i struggled, i've never been 'the one'. i got striking pain when theirs did something bad to me and did nothing. i think they thought me an annoying kid who loves to say bad things about his/her friends.

i spent the latter times with struggle and fight to make people see me. and all i've got was early realization of the world. the world is fake, we all know that. everyone's gonna have to take a mask or two and if you want to be recognized, if you want people to appreciate you, you must start it with a mask. mask...in other words (in harsh words) just lick it! can you imagine that thought came to a girl in early elementary school age? that's devastating. when all i want is fairy tales and a little bit of spotlight, i got the 'hidden message'. i try my best while trying with all my might not to go to far, to keep real, to be a good person like my ma wants me to.

then i failed. i lost in my journey.
still in my elementary school time, i used to join the language competitions (this i meant bahasa indonesia) and won the prizes, something that makes me smile up until now. i loves reading, i loves writing. writing (poem, because i couldn't write short story without make people get confused) used to be my escape when i'm too stressed out. i said 'used to be' because i'm no longer posses same passion. when i was little girl i believed that someday i'm gonna have my own book and people will like it, they're gonna praise it and i'll be famous for it. i, innocently, was trying to send a copy or two of my poem (i wrote them in books, so it's quite organized) via e-mail to many poem book publishers, i was proudly boasting to my best friend that i'm going to be a well-known writer because i was too sure of myself. some of them replied and said to me politely that they're not interested, some of them gave me nothing.

it broke my heart and i felt so ashamed. so i stopped to hope, i wrote for myself, i was writing less and less.

i was trying to be a president of my junior high student council, each year i applied for it and each year i failed to make it come true. my second year there (the first year student is not allowed to apply), i know many of them didn't believe in me, especially the seniors. up until now i can't understand why they decided not to like me after they looked at me. the third year, i got laughed by same year friends. i deserved it. i didn't learn. i thought if they saw i had lots of achievement, they would choose me. i was totally wrong. they said i was a snob, they said it's so funny to look that i even wrote down that i'd been a winner in swimming competition when i was 6. the fact that the spotlight taken by my boyfriend that time eased my pain, a little.

my senior high was gave me a little satisfaction and regret. true that i've been the most well-known sci-class student among my friends (i don't claim for it, okay, it's written in my school yearbook), but sadly i spent too much time trying to be noticeable by everyone and neglected the need to have my 'circle'. when we went to university, everybody held meet-ups with their own circles and left me alone.

i'm in university, i tried to do my best without too much masks, without too much everything in 2.5 years. now it's my third year, i hope i can change. i hope i'll be noticeable for who i am. that somehow finally someone realize the gift i have (that i, myself, can't imagine one right now. pathetic).


too dreamy, eh? yeah, it sounds too dreamy for me too. too far away from reality. haha..i'm a realist who's trying so hard to claim and to believe herself as a dreamer. how bad is that? irony smells awfully sweet, don't you agree? maybe it's because i have too much affairs with books. they're my drugs, my escapes.


P.S: this is one of the posts i promised to write about.
P.S.S : i'm not whining, i just try to be honest.

lauretta.